I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving! Ours was special because it was Emmie's first. There was the normal stress of going to both family's festivities, but it worked out all right. Emmie slept in the car from one house to the other, so she was well rested and smiley for everyone. She had turkey and all the fixings - her bib looked like contemporary art by the end of the night.
After that it all got crazy for me. I worked Black Friday at my new job! It was insane. The store was crowded like a rock concert, and I was on autopilot: straightening displays, smiling, and asking if anyone needed assistance. I don't know how I kept going. It was exhausting. I worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Each night and morning I would take ibuprofen to ease my foot and back pain.
I also did something I've never done before: pumped at work. I'm planning on nursing Emmie until she is a year old, as is generally recommended. That means I have a month left. Not wanting to dry up before then, I lugged a huge bag stuffed with the breast pump and all its parts into work. On my half hour break (which should have been time for me to eat and rest) I stood in the bathroom, shirt unbuttoned, nursing bra undone, each hand holding a pump to my chest. The electronic machine loudly wheezed in and out. I was sure the employees could hear it on the other side of the door. I know it shouldn't have been, but it was mortifying. Afterwards I only had a few minutes to wolf down some soup and no chance to sit down.
My break from school flew by. Bruce worried that this new job would overextend me, and it totally did. I wasn't able to get my 'real' work done. I missed an opportunity to visit with one of my best friends and her boyfriend, who were in from out of town. Our bedroom, my pocketbook, the inside of my head - everything was disorganized. I felt like I barely saw Emmie and Bruce. I was glad when Monday came around. Now I'm trying to get back into the regular rhythm of things.
When I was in my mid-twenties I taught at two different schools, tutored a couple times a week, hostessed at two different restaurants, and still found the time and energy to date Bruce and hang out with my friends. What a difference a few short years makes! I just keep telling myself that all this hard work will pay off for us.
One reason I'm glad I worked so much is that Bruce's family did their Christmas decorating while I was gone. The holidays are really difficult for me this year. I wish that we were playing Christmas music in our own house. I wish that I was baking cookies in my own oven. Bruce would hold Emmie and we would help her place our ornaments on our tree. I don't even know where our tree is, let alone the box with our ornaments. I see Bruce's parents' tree and their ornaments and everything and I don't feel joy. I feel longing. I feel sad.
Well, Emmie's going to have an awesome Christmas. She's going to get showered with love and gifts. She's a fortunate little girl. I haven't forgotten to be thankful for all that we have. Hard as I try not to, there's still a part of me wishing. Maybe if we're really good and we work really hard, Santa will make our wish come true.
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