It's My Daughter's Party and I'll Plan How I Want To

Now that the election is over, we can all happily move forward onto other events. Like fall/winter holidays and birthdays.

 

Emmie's first birthday is coming up! I can't believe how quickly it came. What everyone says about time flying and cherishing moments is totally true. We are really excited for this milestone, as parents, but it's also been the source of some hand-wringing and debate.

 

When we decided to move in here, I hoped it would be for a short time, a few months.  I knew in reality it would take a while to get back on track and start making progress.  I knew we'd be here over Emmie's first birthday.

 

I am a new parent.  I want to fully experience all the new parent joys, fears, everything.  I want to do things on my own.  I am trying to retain my independence while living with my husband's parents.

 

Many new parents struggle with setting boundaries for the new grandparents.  My friend Denny's mom took his daughter for her first haircut - without asking.  Before moving in here was ever a thought, I think before Emmie was even born, Bruce's mom bought our baby a Halloween costume.  We had to tell her that Emmie could wear the costume the week of Halloween, but on the actual holiday our daughter would wear something we picked for her.  The pleasure of the occasion was deflated slightly.

 

It can't be helped; grandparents are so gleeful to be grandparents.  Sometimes they cross the line, probably due to thoughtlessness and eagerness more than anything.

 

Most first birthday parties I have ever been to are held at the family's home.  Babies are fickle creatures and their moods change quickly.  They might cry or scream.  They might need a nap.  They will definitely make a mess, smash the birthday cake.  It's best to keep them in the environment they're most used to.  It was sad to me that we don't have a home of our own to throw Emmie's party.  It depressed me to think of her pictures someday, with someone else's dining room table or guests sitting on someone else's couch.  "That's your grandparents' house," I'd say to an older Emmie.  "We didn't move into this house until later."

 

I know, I know - how silly! None of that stuff matters.  What really matters is that we're all healthy and alive and love each other, et cetera et cetera.  But put yourself in my place.  What you wouldn't see in the pictures is that when I sat down to write the guest list, Bruce's mom was saying "Don't forget Uncle so-and-so.  We have to invite him." And when Bruce and I were talking about food options, Bruce's mom would say, "You-know-who's food at her daughter's party was delicious, you should order from there." And when we went to bring out the cake, Bruce's mom would be the one to put in the candles before we got a chance.  And I would silently seethe.  Or so it goes in my mind.

 

Early on we tried to avoid this by making the choice to have Emmie's birthday party somewhere neutral, like a pizza place.  We informed Bruce's mom and she insisted, "That's fine, but you are more than welcome to have it here."  Months went by and she made plans to go away on vacation until right before the big day. 

 

As it starts to get closer, the thought of spending so much more money to rent a room somewhere seems wasteful.  Then I was going through old photos and came across ones from our engagement party, which Bruce's parents had for us here.  Suddenly my silliness was really apparent.  That party was so nice and fun and cozy.  Why couldn't we have Emmie's party here after all? We would just have to lay down the law.

 

The other day we let Bruce's mom know of our change in plans (his dad is fine with whatever).  A shadow passed across her face.  "That's fine," she said thoughtfully.  "But I feel bad; I won't be here to help."

 

"That's okay, Mom," Bruce replied.  "Thanks, but we don't want any help! We will do everything ourselves.  Don't worry."

 

"Well..." She hesitated.

 

"MOM.  It's okay.  We want to do this on our own," Bruce asserted.  I nodded heartily in agreement. 

 

She got the point.

 

We'll see what happens the day of the party.  We will have to remain firm.  I'm going to have to try not to be so sensitive and headstrong.  At least now I've come to the conclusion that when Emmie and I are looking at those pictures together, she will just see that she's always been surrounded by family who loves her.  It doesn't matter where. 

 

I get the point, now, too.