'Tis the Holiday Season

I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving!  Ours was special because it was Emmie's first.  There was the normal stress of going to both family's festivities, but it worked out all right.  Emmie slept in the car from one house to the other, so she was well rested and smiley for everyone.  She had turkey and all the fixings - her bib looked like contemporary art by the end of the night.

After that it all got crazy for me.  I worked Black Friday at my new job! It was insane.  The store was crowded like a rock concert, and I was on autopilot: straightening displays, smiling, and asking if anyone needed assistance.  I don't know how I kept going.  It was exhausting.  I worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  Each night and morning I would take ibuprofen to ease my foot and back pain.

I also did something I've never done before: pumped at work.  I'm planning on nursing Emmie until she is a year old, as is generally recommended.  That means I have a month left.  Not wanting to dry up before then, I lugged a huge bag stuffed with the breast pump and all its parts into work.  On my half hour break (which should have been time for me to eat and rest) I stood in the bathroom, shirt unbuttoned, nursing bra undone, each hand holding a pump to my chest.  The electronic machine loudly wheezed in and out.  I was sure the employees could hear it on the other side of the door.  I know it shouldn't have been, but it was mortifying.  Afterwards I only had a few minutes to wolf down some soup and no chance to sit down.

My break from school flew by.  Bruce worried that this new job would overextend me, and it totally did.  I wasn't able to get my 'real' work done.  I missed an opportunity to visit with one of my best friends and her boyfriend, who were in from out of town.  Our bedroom, my pocketbook, the inside of my head - everything was disorganized.  I felt like I barely saw Emmie and Bruce.  I was glad when Monday came around.  Now I'm trying to get back into the regular rhythm of things.

When I was in my mid-twenties I taught at two different schools, tutored a couple times a week, hostessed at two different restaurants, and still found the time and energy to date Bruce and hang out with my friends.  What a difference a few short years makes!  I just keep telling myself that all this hard work will pay off for us.

One reason I'm glad I worked so much is that Bruce's family did their Christmas decorating while I was gone.  The holidays are really difficult for me this year.  I wish that we were playing Christmas music in our own house.  I wish that I was baking cookies in my own oven.  Bruce would hold Emmie and we would help her place our ornaments on our tree.  I don't even know where our tree is, let alone the box with our ornaments.  I see Bruce's parents' tree and their ornaments and everything and I don't feel joy.  I feel longing.  I feel sad.

Well, Emmie's going to have an awesome Christmas.  She's going to get showered with love and gifts.  She's a fortunate little girl.  I haven't forgotten to be thankful for all that we have.  Hard as I try not to, there's still a part of me wishing.  Maybe if we're really good and we work really hard, Santa will make our wish come true.

Thankful

I have been feeling particularly low the past couple of days, though there have been a few rays of sunshine. Today I will do my best to put aside my melancholy in exchange for turkey. And a glass of wine!

On this holiday, we get together with family and remember what is important. Hey - I know what I don't have. That's not what I'm all about. I will focus on all that I do have in life, and be thankful:

I am thankful for my loving, hardworking, strong husband. I am so lucky to have him as a partner for life.

I am thankful for my beautiful daughter, who fills my heart with pure joy as she grows.

I am thankful for my mother, father, and brother who are close by. They are the foundation of my being.

I am thankful for my in-laws who are all good people and have been there for us during hardship.

I am thankful for the life, health, and safety of all our family members - every day we are together on Earth is a blessing.

I am thankful to have the truest, deepest friendships with people who may not be related by blood, but are vital to me.

I am thankful to have work and the capability to endure. To be the kind of person who is flawed, but tries hard to improve. Who always looks for the positive.

I am thankful to have so much to be thankful for.

God bless you and your loved ones today. Eat and enjoy! May you have a very Happy Thanksgiving!

The One Thing I Don't Have to Buy

Happy Tuesday! After working the first shift of my new retail job, I went to bed last night with throbbing feet and woke up this morning with an achy back.  I'm no spring chicken anymore!  Good thing I like the job.

Anyways, I planned on taking my winter coat to the dry cleaner today, since blustery weather will soon be upon us.  I searched in the basement and the hall closet and our bedroom closet and can't find it.  It's maddening not to know where any of your stuff is, to be living out of boxes, like being on an extended stay somewhere away from home.

I was texting with Bruce about my frustration and wrote, "I wish we had a house already!"

So I bring you today's tune.  This song, "If I Had a $1000000" by the Barenaked Ladies, is from the 1990's, a time when Bruce and I were young with our whole adult lives in front of us. When we worked random jobs just so we could buy concert tickets and bottomless cups of coffee (and later, beer).

Before I had the chance to have a million dollars and I blew it.  But I'm not ready to talk about that yet!

As I was playing this video for Emmie, she bopped up and down to the music.  We don't have a million dollars and we don't have a house, but none of that matters to her.  Seeing my daughter smile and dance reminds me that I'm already rich.  Luckily, I don't need to buy any love - I have plenty.

Awesomely animated by 'cornisfunny'

Working News

Good News

My father-in-law got a job! After months of complaining about the online application process that every company uses nowadays, he walked into the local Big Box Store and asked to speak with a manager.  She liked him, and after a phone interview, in-person interview, drug test, and orientation, he is finally hired! My mother-in-law is thrilled.

Bad News

It's only temporary, for the holiday season, though there is a potential for him to get hired on permanently.  This isn't really my father-in-law's ideal job, and he would rather find another one.  Also, he's only working from 4 a.m. to 9 a.m. two days a week, which guarantees that me, Emmie, and him will still spend plenty of time in the house together.

Good News

I, too, got a seasonal part-time job!  It's at a store that sells my most favorite brand of purses EVER.  It's absolutely perfect timing, because over the winter break between semesters I don't teach for a month.  Thus, I don't earn a paycheck.  There is also the opportunity for me to come back in the summer, which is great because I only have one class lined up right now.  I love this company and am so excited to expand my product knowledge and talk about it with customers and get paid for it!  Plus, the employee discount is unbelievable!

Bad News

Bruce is worried that my paycheck will go right back to the company, because I'll be buying everything I see.  I have to exercise self-restraint!  Furthermore, it would have been wonderful to have all that time off with Bruce and Emmie, but then it would be harder for us to pay the bills.  Such is the sacrifice we have to make to get what we truly want in life.

Temperature Wars

As it gets colder here in Northern Illinois, so it does inside the house.  That means it's time to turn on the heat.  If it were my house, I'd keep the thermostat set at 68°.  My in-laws, however, like the thermostat set at a chilly 62°.

 

I found this out a few weeks ago when I was in my room.  The baby was napping and I thought, "Brrr!  I need more clothes on.  And a blanket, too."  My fingers and nose were pinkish-red.  Then I thought, "If I feel this way, imagine the poor baby! It's too cold in here!"

 

The American Academy of Pediatrics discourages the use of blankets in the crib until after the age of 18 months, to prevent SIDS.  I am a stickler for the rules.  That means the only solution is to turn up the temperature.  Downstairs I went; up went the dial to a much more comfortable 67°.  Five degrees higher.  I wasn't asking much.

 

Soon enough I was shivery again.  I checked the thermostat.  It was back down at 62° - not appropriate for a baby!  So I said something to my in-laws about how the baby needs it to be warmer in the house.  Bruce said something, too.  But day after day, we'd turn the thermostat up, and someone (neither would admit they were doing it) would turn it down.  It was infuriating.

 

One morning, Bruce and I woke up under the covers, sensing how frigid the air was in our room.  Even though we dress Emmie in layers to keep her warm, what about her little hands and her little face?  Sometimes Emmie's fingers would feel like tiny icicles.  This was ridiculous.  Don't Bruce's parents care about their granddaughter?  When they agreed to let us move in they knew that they'd have to make changes to accommodate the baby.  On top of that, we pay them rent! They can turn up the heat!  The smoke that was coming out of my ears might have fired me up, but it wasn't doing anything for our daughter's sake.

 

Bruce went downstairs to turn up the temperature yet again and encountered his mom.  He was angry and it showed.  "Mom," he growled.  "Why do you keep turning this down? What do I have to say to you to get this to stop? Don't you get it's too cold for the baby?"

 

"We're burning up in our room," she replied.

 

"Too bad!" Bruce responded.  "Take off your blankets, then!"

 

"The gas bill will be so much more."

 

Bruce wanted to yell, "Take it out of the rent we pay you!" But he didn't.  We don't want to cause trouble while we live here.  We don't want to fight, so we try to avoid bitterness.  But Bruce works for the gas company.  He knows five degrees of warmth won't cost much more than what they're paying.  "Mom," he said softly instead. "Do you need me to show you something on the internet about what the house temperature should be for a baby?"

 

His mom said no, it was fine.  Bruce turned up the dial once again and came back upstairs.  The dial hasn't moved since.

 

It looks like we may have won this round.  After a battle, though, you can't help but view your opponent in a new light.  For me, I am hurt and dismayed by this demonstration of stubbornness and selfishness.  Bruce is disappointed and embarrassed by his parents.  It's not nice to feel this way.

 

The baby is warmer, for sure, but the grownups are all a bit chillier towards each other.

If at First You Don't Succeed

Today's Tuesday Tune was emailed to me from my friend, Denny.  Bruce, Denny, and I love to hang out and watch videos on YouTube.  This one is awesome - Pink has incorporated incredible physicality into her music not only through choreography, but even flying a trapeze in her live shows.

The lyrics aren't entirely relevant to my particular situation; no one had lied or gotten "burned".  But living here definitely puts a strain on our relationship.  Bruce sometimes feels torn between his parents and his wife and child.  I feel like we've been displaced from our nest.  We can't communicate openly as a couple, among other things.  You can imagine.

But we're doing this to get to a better place, so that we don't have to keep "just getting by".  Every day I have to remind myself.  Especially when I'm angry or feeling hopeless.  Like Pink sings, we "gotta get up and try try try".

Maybe the words will have a different personal meaning for you.  Either way, I hope you like the video!

You Think You Know, But You Have No Idea

I have a few friends who are expecting babies!  I love talking to them about pregnancy issues and parenting surprises.  It's like we all veered off onto this long, unfamiliar road with the most amazing (and also sort of scary) landmarks.

This morning I was thinking about how these friends have no idea what's about to happen to them.  Really, I remember people giving me advice and me nodding, but it not really sinking in.  And so, I present to you the top things Bruce and I really couldn't understand until we became parents:

• You will never just grab your keys, get in the car, and go to the store ever again.
  
• Toys, stuffed animals, Disney movies, children's books: you will want to spend all your money on them.
  
• You will make choices you would have never made before.  Because it's not about you anymore.  The job you hate? You stay to pay the bills.  Move in with your folks? If it means the baby will have college savings some day, you'll do it.
  
• Going to the doctor, dentist, working out - suddenly you want to to take better care of yourself.  To set a good example and to make sure you'll be around for a long time.
• Get a good night's sleep? Forget about it!
• You will become something of a hypocrite. Maybe you were a rebel in your younger years. Maybe your friends have crazy lifestyles. That's all fine, but it will not be fine for your child to do those things!



I try not to squeeze too hard.

• I do a lot of my work at home.  Those moments of uninterrupted concentration are OVER.  Ditto for taking a relaxing shower.
  
• Cuddling your child in your arms is the epitome of bliss.  I thought I was like Elmyra Duff from Tiny Toon Adventures when it came to cats: "I'm gonna hug you and kiss you and love you forever." It's way worse with my baby!
  
• You will make every effort to be a better person.
  
• Enjoy that movie.  It's going to be a long time before you watch another one all the way through.  You'll be too busy entertaining the little person, or stopping him or her from screaming.  If it's nighttime you will fall asleep after five minutes due to sheer exhaustion.
  
• You, or your partner, will never come first again.  And you'll be 100% okay with that.

Parents, what else would you add to the list?  Soon-to-be parents: Congratulations and savor these days!

It's My Daughter's Party and I'll Plan How I Want To

Now that the election is over, we can all happily move forward onto other events. Like fall/winter holidays and birthdays.

 

Emmie's first birthday is coming up! I can't believe how quickly it came. What everyone says about time flying and cherishing moments is totally true. We are really excited for this milestone, as parents, but it's also been the source of some hand-wringing and debate.

 

When we decided to move in here, I hoped it would be for a short time, a few months.  I knew in reality it would take a while to get back on track and start making progress.  I knew we'd be here over Emmie's first birthday.

 

I am a new parent.  I want to fully experience all the new parent joys, fears, everything.  I want to do things on my own.  I am trying to retain my independence while living with my husband's parents.

 

Many new parents struggle with setting boundaries for the new grandparents.  My friend Denny's mom took his daughter for her first haircut - without asking.  Before moving in here was ever a thought, I think before Emmie was even born, Bruce's mom bought our baby a Halloween costume.  We had to tell her that Emmie could wear the costume the week of Halloween, but on the actual holiday our daughter would wear something we picked for her.  The pleasure of the occasion was deflated slightly.

 

It can't be helped; grandparents are so gleeful to be grandparents.  Sometimes they cross the line, probably due to thoughtlessness and eagerness more than anything.

 

Most first birthday parties I have ever been to are held at the family's home.  Babies are fickle creatures and their moods change quickly.  They might cry or scream.  They might need a nap.  They will definitely make a mess, smash the birthday cake.  It's best to keep them in the environment they're most used to.  It was sad to me that we don't have a home of our own to throw Emmie's party.  It depressed me to think of her pictures someday, with someone else's dining room table or guests sitting on someone else's couch.  "That's your grandparents' house," I'd say to an older Emmie.  "We didn't move into this house until later."

 

I know, I know - how silly! None of that stuff matters.  What really matters is that we're all healthy and alive and love each other, et cetera et cetera.  But put yourself in my place.  What you wouldn't see in the pictures is that when I sat down to write the guest list, Bruce's mom was saying "Don't forget Uncle so-and-so.  We have to invite him." And when Bruce and I were talking about food options, Bruce's mom would say, "You-know-who's food at her daughter's party was delicious, you should order from there." And when we went to bring out the cake, Bruce's mom would be the one to put in the candles before we got a chance.  And I would silently seethe.  Or so it goes in my mind.

 

Early on we tried to avoid this by making the choice to have Emmie's birthday party somewhere neutral, like a pizza place.  We informed Bruce's mom and she insisted, "That's fine, but you are more than welcome to have it here."  Months went by and she made plans to go away on vacation until right before the big day. 

 

As it starts to get closer, the thought of spending so much more money to rent a room somewhere seems wasteful.  Then I was going through old photos and came across ones from our engagement party, which Bruce's parents had for us here.  Suddenly my silliness was really apparent.  That party was so nice and fun and cozy.  Why couldn't we have Emmie's party here after all? We would just have to lay down the law.

 

The other day we let Bruce's mom know of our change in plans (his dad is fine with whatever).  A shadow passed across her face.  "That's fine," she said thoughtfully.  "But I feel bad; I won't be here to help."

 

"That's okay, Mom," Bruce replied.  "Thanks, but we don't want any help! We will do everything ourselves.  Don't worry."

 

"Well..." She hesitated.

 

"MOM.  It's okay.  We want to do this on our own," Bruce asserted.  I nodded heartily in agreement. 

 

She got the point.

 

We'll see what happens the day of the party.  We will have to remain firm.  I'm going to have to try not to be so sensitive and headstrong.  At least now I've come to the conclusion that when Emmie and I are looking at those pictures together, she will just see that she's always been surrounded by family who loves her.  It doesn't matter where. 

 

I get the point, now, too.

I Voted

It's bad; Bruce and I never registered to vote in his parents' precinct. This was partly due to refusal to admit we officially live here, partly because we didn't want to have to pay for new IDs at the DMV, and partly from laziness.

I come from a fervently political family, however, and it's important for me to cast my ballot. The way I see it, you can't complain if you don't perform your citizen's duty. Bruce's family, on the other hand, has never really been interested in politics until the past few elections. He's much more laid back about it than I am, though his interest grows over time.

Someday I might write a post on my nerdy old-school method
of keeping track of bills

Since we missed the deadline, I investigated Grace Period Voting.  There is a certain amount of time before actual Voting Day that you can go down to the local courthouse, or designated polling place, and simultaneously register and vote.  Last week Bruce and I quickly ran over after he got home from work.  Since we didn't have any official documents with this new address on them, we brought our drivers licenses, social security cards, and a bill in each of our names sent here in the mail.  We filled out a few forms, and went back to the polls.

Afterwards, Bruce and I both felt gratified.  We did our part.  Not just for the Presidential election, but for all the state and city ones.  They all matter.

If you haven't already done so, please do your part and vote tomorrow on Election Day.  This country was founded on the belief that every individual can make a difference.  No matter what my personal situation is, in this country I have the opportunity to change it.  We all do.  It's a right we should never take for granted.

The Road to New Wheels: Finance Friday IV

We've almost had the [new] car for a week and really, my daily routine hasn't changed.  I am usually home with the baby.  Knowing that we can leave anytime, however, has a huge impact on my overall attitude.

It was quite a process for us to get to this point.  Buying a car was a major financial decision.  Especially since we never forget that we are living here to improve our situation and buy a house of our own someday.

When the car that Bruce's aunt gave us broke down, we knew we'd have to get a different one.  Bruce's dad let me drive his car twice a week to work in the meantime.  Then the broken car got hit and damaged while it was sitting out on the street.  The morning after the police knocked on our door, Bruce's father shocked us with an ultimatum.  His car's 'check engine' light had turned on when he was driving one day.  He didn't want me using his car for much longer.  We were told to buy our own car and "stop procrastinating."

I was furious.  We had not been procrastinating.  Bruce calmly explained to his father that while it was within his right to ask us to stop using his car, buying a car was a decision between Bruce and me.  It was not Bruce's father's business when and if we purchased a car.  I was so proud of my husband when he said that.  I started waking up extra early, driving Bruce to work in our one car, and then waiting for school to open so that we wouldn't have to rely on Bruce's father's car anymore.

The thing is, we had been researching and car shopping since the old one broke.  We had to come to terms with making such a large purchase.  Since we didn't have cash to pay for the car outright, we would have to finance it.  After paying off a few bills, and feeling slight relief, the last thing I wanted to do was add on more debt.  I needed to put together a budget to see if we could continue to pay down our debt with the additional expense.  Still, it is a concern that our debt-to-income ratio is again too great with this car loan.

There were also many choices for us to make.  New or used?  Allegedly, car dealerships are desperate nowadays to sell cars, therefore they are offering extremely low (or no) interest rates.  They are throwing in bonuses like cash back and extended warranties.  In contrast, used cars are more in demand and typically have higher interest rates.  What about leasing?  Bruce has a cousin who works in the auto industry, and he suggested we lease.  Right now, leased cars have very low monthly payments.  However, like renting an apartment, your money is not being put towards ownership.  You have to return it; it's not yours to sell later.

We consulted a lot of car and finance books, websites, and blogs such as See Debt Run's article and decided to purchase a reputably safe car, two or three years old, with low mileage.  Experts seem to agree that this is a wise choice; you avoid paying the markup for a new car while retaining many new-car features.  Ideally, ours would be a car that only had one previous owner like a returned lease vehicle, no accidents, with a couple years of warranty left.  Of course, the payments would need to be within our budget.  We scoured every local dealership's pre-owned inventory online.

We picked a make and model and narrowed down a few potential cars.  We went and test drove and finally found the right one.  It was everything we had been looking for!  I was worried about how little we'd get as a trade-in for the old car, but surprisingly we got more than we'd hoped for it!  We talked the dealers down on the price, negotiated a low interest rate, and even got them to throw in new floormats.  The payments are reasonable and it even has a great warranty.

Our time and hard work paid off.  At the dealership we were well informed, and thus, unable to be intimidated.  The finance guy actually laughed and said, "You two make a good team.  You're the numbers man and she's all about the details."  We knew what we wanted and we held out for it.  I'm actually amazed at how smoothly it went!

When the sale was finalized, Bruce and I separately drove the new car and the other one back home.  Bruce's parents were out.  Bruce installed the car seat base for the baby while I ordered a pizza.  Then the three of us went for our first ride together in the new car.  Just us - just perfect.