Looking Forward to 2013

Hi there! I hope your holidays were happy and you got some time off to spend with loved ones.  I sure did.  And boy, am I glad the world didn't end!

These past few weeks have been all a blur.  When I wasn't working we were getting ready for Emmie's party.  That week Bruce's mom was out of town on vacation with his sister.  Even though I truly enjoy her company, I was pretty relieved that she wasn't around.  Bruce and I were able to cook in the kitchen, buy what we needed, decorate how we wanted, and clean on our own schedule.  With the matriarch gone, I felt more "in charge".  I was comfortable in the house almost as if it were my own.

The three of us - Bruce's dad, Bruce, and me - were in pretty good spirits that week.  On Sunday, Bruce's mom came home with Bruce's sister.  We learned from his sister that all week their mom had been stressing over the fact that she wasn't home to help us and that we "didn't want [her] help anyways."  Even though Bruce's sister explained many times, patiently, that wasn't what we meant, that we just wanted to feel like we were throwing our daughter's birthday party all on our own, she didn't want to understand or calm down.  So with her arrival came some undue tension.

Regardless, Emmie's birthday turned out to be as special as we'd hoped.  Her party went smoothly and people had a good time.  I made her very own "smash" cake in the shape of an owl and her dad and I showed her how to blow out the #1 candle on it.  She didn't smash the cake, though.  Instead, she ran her fingers through the chocolate icing like it was clay and she a sculptor.  Then she took her frosted hands and rubbed them all over her adorable face!

Emmie made out like a bandit with presents, though she was initially more interested in the wrapping paper than the clothes and toys.  Later, she discovered all her new play things and was a happy little girl.

The next day was Christmas Eve, and we spent it with Bruce's extended family.  I was extremely lucky to have the day off from the store to spend with everyone.  Emmie had her first bites of the homemade ravioli that her aunt traditionally makes for the holiday - yum!

Then on Christmas we woke up next to Emmie (we gave our bed to Bruce's sister) and wished her a Merry Christmas.  The week prior we had gone to the storage unit and found the box with our own ornaments.  Then one night when neither of Bruce's parents were home, we put on Christmas music and decorated the small pink, glowing tree we bought for her room.  It was an approximation of what we would have done in our own house with our own tree, and having those few hours as just the three of us, indulging in the Christmas spirit, made me so much happier.  That morning we had a few moments to ourselves before joining the rest of the household.

Emmie got so many presents!  Both sides of her family were ridiculously generous towards her.  Of course, she is the first grandchild for both sets of grandparents.  We are still trying to find room for everything, between her birthday and Christmas.

The other news I have to share is that Bruce and I have been in contact with our realtor!  We realized that we need to start looking for a house soon, because even though things are not that bad living here, they're not great, either.  During those days when I was working nearly every day, Bruce and I would bicker and fight.  Feeling were hurt.  We were too sensitive.  It was hard.  If we had our own house, it would be tough, too, to spend so much time apart, but with two other adults with moods of their own to affect us, it was worse.  We decided that we will try to get approved after the new year for a loan, and even if it isn't enough to get everything we want, we will make concessions.  Out of the blue, Bruce got an email from our old realtor, asking us how we are doing and when we'd be interested in buying (he aided us in finding our last rental).  We've been corresponding back and forth since!

We drove around on Christmas Eve, because Emmie fell asleep on the car ride home from Bruce's aunt's place.  We noticed that some townhouses near us have basements and are in (what we think) is our price range.  It was so exciting!  One of my "musts" for a home purchase is a basement - because of my fear of tornadoes.  Most townhouses in this area don't have them, but discovering some that do gives us hope.  Maybe we won't have our own yard to fence in.  Maybe we won't get his-and-her sinks or hardwood floors.  But maybe a house of our own will be within reach, sooner than we originally thought!

So I fondly bid 2012 adieu.  It was a bittersweet year of blessed highs and painful lows.  We raised our first child through her first year.  We also lost our sense of independence.  I can't wait to ring in the New Year - I can feel in my gut that new adventures are right around the corner!

Happy New Year to you, too.  See you on the flip side!

Merry Christmas!

From our family to yours!

Live Again

I have been a parent for almost a year now.  It's been full of scary moments... and I was already a fearful person.  The other day my baby fell while trying to walk and hit her face on the edge of the bed.  A nasty, swollen black eye appeared instantaneously and it took every fiber of self-control to not wail as loud as my daughter.

So when the unspeakable devastation occurred on Friday, I just about lost it.  I was a mess.  The tragedy realized my worst nightmare.  And it wasn't just me.  People who never imagined such horror were shaken to their cores.  The entire country has lost a bit of its innocence.

I can only say, that perhaps out of this atrocity our country will take steps to change for the better.  That maybe the lives that were lost can prevent future evil.  I have to hope.  I have to believe in tomorrow.  I have to, because even if I don't get to be around to witness a better world, I sure want my child to experience it.

I couldn't find a song today to express how I feel.  When I told Bruce, he suggested Foo Fighter's "Times Like These".  It just makes sense.  It's what we have to do, as individuals and as citizens.  We have to "learn to live again":

 

My heart and prayers go out to the victims and families of Sandy Hook.

Autonomous Annie

I did it! I survived my first semester back after childbirth.  Last night I posted final grades for Fall 2012.  I now have five glorious days off from the store to get my life back in order.  Here are some things I'd like do:

• Finish Christmas shopping and wrap presents.
• Get everything ready for Emmie's birthday party this Sunday.  That includes buying food and supplies, ordering the cake, and cleaning*.
• Send out goofy family photo Christmas cards that feature an adorable holiday dressed-up baby.
• Pack summer clothes away (Clearly long overdue).
• Finish Emmie's baby book up to her first birthday.
• Read a book.  My smartphone is a time sucker that must be abandoned!

How much do you think I'll actually get done?

I woke up feeling happy and motivated for the first time in a while.  This evening our good friend is watching Emmie while Bruce and I go on a much-needed dinner date.  I'll wear a nice outfit and we'll dine at an upscale Japanese place for which we bought a Living Social deal many months ago.  Finally, we're going to get to be husband and wife for a couple hours, not counting the grocery shopping we did at midnight the other night.

Another exciting thing about this week is that Bruce is taking his last vacation day for the year on Friday to be with Emmie and me.  Originally he took off the day after Christmas, but when my boss at the store told me there was no way I could take that day off, Bruce switched.  Yay! A whole day together!  Considering that it's supposed to be the end of the world (Chariots of demons in the sky! Fireballs raining down! Oh God, I'm only half kidding - nervous laugh), I couldn't think of a better day for us to all hunker down at home.

*Of course throwing Emmie's birthday party here at my in-laws' couldn't be without its issues.  It started a few days ago when Bruce's mom casually mentioned to me, "You'll have to clean the cat hair off these chairs... so people have a place to sit down."  Twitching slightly, I reassured her that everything would be spic and span for the party. 

I understand her concern; if I were going away on a trip and coming home to a party at my house I'd be anxious to make sure everything got done right, too.  But I don't need anyone to nag me.  So when I was having a chat with Bruce's dad about how glad I am to have these next few days off, and he said: "You need them, because you have a lot of cleaning to do around here," I almost flipped out.  I am under the impression that they have forgotten I'm a) not their child and b) not a child at all.  I did once have my own very tidy house at which I threw many very nice parties.

So when Bruce's dad started saying something yet again about getting everything done for the party in time - I spoke up.  And Bruce was there to witness it.  I said, "Dad, everything will get done.  Okay? You don't need to trouble yourself one bit."

He continued, "I just don't want you guys waiting until the last minute and then having to scramble."

"We won't.  But even if we do, Dad," I pressed, "It will get taken care of."

He's been told.  And THAT is how one adult converses with another.

Approaching the Finish Line

This morning I had my last class for the Fall 2012 term.  While my students are probably out celebrating the break from classwork, I still have to post grades.  I worked at the store until 10:40 p.m. and decided to try to get something accomplished now.

Grades are due on Monday, and by the grace of the General Manager after this weekend I'm not scheduled at the store for five whole days.  I can't wait!  There are so many parts of my life I've been neglecting!

Okay, I'm procrastinating.  Let's do this...

We Are Giggling Girls

I had a jam-packed weekend.  I worked a lot, but in between Bruce and I took Emmie to the city, where our friends unselfishly babysat her.  Bruce and I went out with another group of friends we don't get to see very often.  It was like a double rainbow.

The pot of gold, though, was the incredible news I received. I got a text message from my long-distance friend Lorelei late into Saturday night: "If u r not sleeping, can you call me?"

I called her as soon as I could wiggle my way out of the crowded brew pub.

You guessed it! My friend got engaged!  Her fiancé is this awesome guy who is her true match.  They've had an amazing journey together - and it's just going to keep going. I couldn't be happier for her - I've been walking around picturing her with her ring on, knowing that a wedding is in her future.

Today being Tuesday, I wanted to share "our" - mine and her - song, Ani DiFranco's "If He Tries Anything."  The other night when I was feeling down, I posted a blog entry and within minutes I had an uplifting text from my friend.  The uncanny thing is, I somehow knew she would be there for me in that moment.  Even though we are half this enormous country apart, she is as close to me as ever.

Lorelei, my imaginary TV show partner (I'm the Rhoda to her Mary or vice versa), I'll be watching you.  From the wings. 

As you walk down the aisle.



Nighttime Words Swilled with Wine

Hi. It's almost midnight on Thursday.  Let's pretend you are up and you are listening to me.  Would that be all right? Just for tonight.

I'm sitting at the kitchen table by myself.  Everyone else in the house is asleep.  I have a glass of wine and Ani DiFranco is singing "32 Flavors" on Pandora.  Tonight is my weekend.  I just got done teaching a Wednesday night class, then stayed up 'til 1 a.m. grading papers.  Grabbed a a few hours of sleep, then the alarm went off at 5:30 to get up, get ready, feed the baby and go to my morning class.  Teach, come home, take care of baby, then by 4:30 p.m. I was back in the car driving to the retail job.  Deal with customers, stock, clean, get out late.  Come home to a silent, still, lonely house.

The song just ended and "Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star is on.  My gears shift and I am miles back in thought, yearning.

Like usual, my feet are pulsating, swollen, hot in my socks.  My eyelids feel heavy, not helped by the wine, but I'm not ready for bed.  I'm really glad that Bruce's dad is asleep; normally he's the family night owl, perched in his usual spot on the couch.  If he were up, I wouldn't be down here typing and playing music.  Pondering.  Brooding. 

It is going to get better, right?  When I write I try to be positive, but let's face it.  I've been here for a while.  I'm forgetting what it's like to have my own life.  It's getting harder and harder to remember when Bruce and I were happy, when I'd plant a kiss on him as soon as he came home from work.  We're so stressed all the time.  In the past weeks we've seen each other rarely - it can take hours to feel like ourselves when we are together.  I fret; will it upset Emmie not to have her grandparents around when we finally move out?  What will it do to them when their house is empty again?  I sleep better here - it's the comfort of safety in numbers.  Will I lie awake worried in my new house someday?  When is someday?

This Pandora station is like a good friend giving me a hug.  The Indigo Girls are soothing me now with their gritty alto vocals and twangy guitars: "Love Will Come to You."  When I was in my early 20's, I would drive around and blast this song with the windows rolled down, praying with my whole heart.  Now I have that great love, but it's still nice to have the reassurance.

It is going to get better.  One day we will tell the kids how hard we worked to get where we are.  Tonight's just one sad night.  And it's really not that bad.  I've got wine and music and words.

And you - if you read this all the way through.  Thank you for listening.  Cheers.

Cars, Concerts, and "Clocks"

This week was all a rush!   I worked eight days in a row, between my teaching jobs and my retail job.  Then on my first day off I hostessed a bridal shower for my girlfriend Jeanette.  The next day we had scheduled a family portrait session for Bruce, Emmie, and myself.  We dressed the baby in an adorable Santa suit and all grinned for the camera.  By Sunday night I was exhausted and still needed to grade papers.

Now I am on another stretch, working every night and every other morning, alternating as an instructor and a sales associate. It's hard to be away from Emmie and Bruce in the evening.  He comes home, and I leave.  To be truthful, my absence has been the source of discord for us both, and I've already thought about quitting the seasonal job.  I know I just have to keep plowing along; when school ends I'll be glad I stuck it out.

This morning I was on the way to school when this song came on the radio in the car.  Last year, before I knew I was pregnant, Bruce and I bought tickets to Lollapalooza as our anniversary gift to each other.  By the summer, I was round with child, not what we had originally envisioned.  We went to all three days of the outdoor concert anyways. 

The first night, we saw Coldplay.  The sun was setting behind the skyline of the city, the buildings backlit a glowing Creamsicle orange and the lake in the East reflecting a deep cerulean blue.  The band came out and played a mix of the old tunes I have loved since before they were mainstream and songs from Mylo Xyloto that I hadn't yet heard.  If you didn't know, Coldplay puts on a mesmerizing light show which corresponds to their music.

Hormonal and awestruck underneath flashing green lasers and amidst a pulsating crowd, I started to cry.  Here I was, together with the husband I love and the child I was soon to have, every sense stimulated.  I felt so alive.

Once in a while, I hear Coldplay and I'm returned to that breezy summer night.  When this song started to play as I drove, I turned the volume up high.  At the end, Chris Martin sings, "You are - home, home.  Where I wanted to go."  The more I'm away from Bruce and Emmie, the more I understand that home is not a plot of land, four walls and a roof.  It's where your loved ones are.