Happy Thanksgiving!

All of us here hope you had a day of good company, good food, and good cheer.  We certainly did!  There is so, so much to be thankful for.

The Whole Picture

In the year that we lived with Bruce's parents, time sort of stopped.  We were living our lives, yes, but it was all out of focus.  We were going through the motions in the most minimal way.

Most new parents take a plethora of photos of their first-born child.  Usually, some of those get framed and displayed.  We took hundreds of pictures in Emmie's first year and a half, but there was little follow through.  Why print pictures if you have no wall space of your own to hang them?  Last year, we got portrait studio pictures taken around Christmas.  Since it was a package deal, we got a few 8" x 10"s and smaller prints.  We gave some to our folks, who did the normal grandparent thing and put them out for everyone to see.  Our copies, however, stayed in the envelope and got tossed in a box.

One thing our new home has been missing is photos.  We have the ones that were already framed of our wedding, friends, and family on the stairway ledge down to the basement, but we have almost no pictures up of Emmie!  It felt very weird and bare here, like we weren't acknowledging the most significant aspect of our life.  Before the housewarming party, I cut up a collage photo of Emmie's baptism and used the 4" x 6" from it for a cute owl frame we got as a gift.  That was the only photo out on the whole first floor.

Recently, we discovered a black and white photo collage my friend Jeanette made us for our engagement.  It has six snapshots of Bruce and me from when we were dating.  We forgot we had it!  It, too, went up in the living room.

For the housewarming, one of our friends got us a gift card to a home furnishings store.  I found an awesome picture frame/shelf set online on clearance.  We used a free shipping code, plus another coupon and the gift card to get it super cheap.  Bruce is all about couponing and getting a great deal.

It was at our doorstep when we got home yesterday.  Bruce promptly started drilling and hammering.  I pulled out the prints from that box, including the Christmas ones from last year.  We had just enough for each frame.  

We're really pleased with how it turned out.  It adds character to one of the many blank walls and best of all, we can show off pics of our adorable daughter now!

This morning, I made an appointment with a portrait studio for this year's Christmas photos.  You can be sure that those pictures will make an appearance on our walls.

Slowly and steadily, we are adjusting to this new vision of our lives.

Deck the Halls

Who says it's too early to start decorating for Christmas?  One of the radio stations here in Chicago started playing carols just after Halloween... Our town hung Christmas trees and lights on all the lamp posts last week... And we've already had snow.  The signs are all around us!

Anyways, Bruce and I have holiday fever this season.  The combination of having a toddler and our first real home is just too exciting.  At Halloween, it was all about pumpkins and trick-or-treating in our neighborhood.  Since we always spend Thanksgiving at our families' houses, we're already looking ahead to Christmas.

Bruce loves shopping for presents, so he started that a few weeks back.  Now he also relishes in delighting our daughter with all the merriment.  This is the first year she's really able to appreciate the festivities.  She gleefully notices Santas and Rudolphs everywhere.  For me, I love the traditions, family time, and domesticity.  We simply couldn't wait to put up the tree.  Plus, with my work at school and the store, Bruce's work and school, holiday parties and other social events, we weren't really sure when we'd have another opportunity.

Yesterday, Bruce came home from work and put Christmas music on the stereo.  I made spaghetti with homemade 'gravy' and Italian sausage - one of Bruce and Emmie's favorite meals.  After that, we decorated for hours and hours.  In my head, I had imagined that it would be an enchanted evening, Emmie oohing and aahing over the ornaments while I delicately placed them on the tree.  Bruce would hang the (plastic) mistletoe and we'd kiss under it.  A halo of love would surround our family.

In reality, we had moments of that, but it was mostly a lot of this: "Emmie, no touch! Only look!" And, "Emmie, give that back to Mama, please!"  Also, "Emmie, be careful!" 

Haha.  It was absolute wonderchaos (a word I thought I coined, then Googled and found already existed.  Darn!).  Everything was so fun for Emmie, she kind of spun out of control.  New little toy-looking things everywhere! Must touch!

Still, we got the tree, ornaments, and decorations up.  All our things are lovely in the new house.  Last year, we received a lot of ornaments as presents, but had no tree of our own to hang them.  It actually stung a bit to receive them.  This year, they have a place to be displayed.  The sting is gone.

I've always dreamed of having a front window to feature our Christmas tree.

The final touch was to put the star atop the tree.  Then I poured hot glühwein (a tradition I've kept from visiting the Christkindlmarkts in Europe) into two mugs for Bruce and me.  We bundled up Emmie and went outside to admire our work.

Back inside, we had some pumpkin pie and put an overexerted Emmie to bed.  Bruce and I sat on the couch in the living room, relaxing and appreciating, while Minnie the cat settled in to her favorite spot under the tree.  The holidays this year are particularly special for all of us.

Stormy with a Chance of Meatballs

If you've been following the news or social media at all, you probably heard about the severe weather outbreak we had here in Illinois and across the Midwest yesterday.

Three days prior, on Thursday, I caught a tweet from the National Weather Service out of Chicago cautioning the potential threat for Sunday.  Because I have a phobia of tornadoes, I immediately started worrying.

"What's the point?" Bruce firmly questioned.  It upsets him when I get upset, especially since there was no imminent danger.  "There are days and days until there might be bad weather.  Let's not ruin them; let's enjoy them!"

As usual, Bruce was the voice of reason.  So I tried my best.  On Friday night, it was one of our best friend's birthday.  Bruce's parents agreed to watch Emmie overnight so we could go to the city and celebrate.  The week before, I had the opportunity to go out sans child, but this weekend was even better, because it was Bruce and me.  We met our friends and Bruce's sister at the apartment, then we all went out to a corner bar and sang karaoke.  During that time, I didn't stress out about the impending storms.  I was too busy having fun.

Saturday was a different story.  With every passing hour, the threat for severe weather was upgraded.  The storms were predicted to start rolling in over night.  All the meteorologists I follow on Twitter were talking about it.  I know, it's maybe not such a good idea to perpetuate my fears by reading everything possible about the weather.  But I do.  At home again with Emmie, I was like a caged animal, pacing the house, imagining the sirens going off overnight and not getting Emmie to the basement in time.  I was afraid to sleep.  I envisioned the house blowing apart.  I was living the danger before it even happened.  This is what happens to people who panic.  It is absolutely miserable, for the person experiencing the anxiety and for that person's loved ones.  Bruce felt helpless.

I haven't mentioned this before, but a few months back I started seeing a therapist about my anxiety issues.  My doctor is awesome and helped me get on the plane to California for my friend's wedding in August.  I am understanding now that I should have sought help immediately after I got robbed.  The fears that developed from that experience have been manifested in new ways.  I'm out of the city now, so the threat of getting robbed has diminished quite a bit.  Therefore, it's been replaced by a new threat: tornadoes.  Knowing all this, I attempted to manage my anxiety through the techniques I've learned from my therapist and by doing yoga, but none of it worked too well.

Luckily for me, my friend Denny had no plans on Saturday night, so we invited him over.  Having a friend over helped me to feel more normal.  I don't know why, but when I'm together with Bruce and Emmie, I worry more.  Denny's presence was a welcome distraction.  I was still super concerned, but I did my best to keep things somewhat in check as we talked and watched Saturday Night Live.

I was able to sleep a few hours and woke up refreshed.  By then, the threat had been upgraded to high:

Please RT & give your friends & family a heads up! A dangerous severe wx outbreak is possible tomorrow: http://t.co/9inF6aZ1H1 #ilwx #inwx
— NWS Chicago (@NWSChicago) November 17, 2013

I took a shower and had breakfast with Denny and my family.  Bruce made pancakes, yum!  After, Denny left to go get his daughter and make it home while it was still calm outside.  Then I started preparing, because a tornado watch had been issued and there were already reports of dangerous storms in the area.  Luckily, we have an room in the basement that is away from windows.  I filled a water jug and put it down there along with snacks, blankets, a diaper bag, and shoes for me and Bruce.  The shoes are in case there is a tornado, you don't cut your feet on debris.

When the sky started to darken, we all went downstairs, including the cat.  We hung out there for hours.  In times like that, I am utterly grateful that we got a house with a finished basement.  Bruce and Emmie played; I sat at my desk and checked email.  It was like any other day.  Emmie had no idea that anything was amiss.

Denny's meatball recipe, usually made for a party.

By late morning, in between storm warnings, Bruce went upstairs and got our crockpot and ingredients to make lunch.  He made meatballs in the basement!  He grabbed us each a beer and we ate at the table down there, making the most of the situation.

While report after report came in about tornadoes everywhere, by our house it stayed relatively quiet.  We got a few severe thunderstorm warnings that said 80-90 mph winds and golf ball-sized hail was headed our way, but nothing happened.  Only one time, for about ten minutes, did we go in the little 'safe' room.  Emmie ate a cookie while we waited it out.

By around 2 p.m., the tornado watch in Illinois was cancelled.  The threat was over.  I felt the hugest sense of relief.  We spent the rest of the day gratefully, together as a family.

We were very, very lucky.  Other parts of Illinois were demolished.  Seven counties have been declared disaster areas by our governor.  Bruce was going to drive to one of the towns to see if he could help, but by the time he would've gotten there, it would've been dark.  Plus, right now it's unsafe to have random people around the destruction.  Still, I am planning on doing what I can to help the victims of yesterday's terrible events.  Please consider doing the same.

Deadly storms can and do happen - at any time.  Worrying about them doesn't do anyone any good.  It's a waste of time and energy.  Instead, all anyone can do is have a plan and be prepared.  

November is the month when we give thanks.  Yesterday was an unfortunate reminder that we should be thankful every day for what we have and the people we love.

Girls' Night Out

I am still begrudgingly spending all my available time on my online class work, but I thought I'd take a break and share the good times from last weekend.

A view out the hotel window.  Hello, Chicago river!

On Saturday I went to a Bachelorette party in the city.  It was the first time I've ever left Emmie and Bruce overnight.  I did once when we lived with Bruce's parents, but that doesn't count.  At first, it was hard for me to leave because earlier in the week Emmie got a flu shot and was showing signs of illness.  I called my mom, a pediatric nurse, and she assured me that since Emmie didn't have a fever, it was perfectly fine for me to go.

I drove out and met one of my best girlfriends, Jeanette, at her apartment.  It was like old times, when we were neighbors and I'd drop in whenever I wanted.  Her husband drove us downtown to the hotel where the party was starting off.

There were so many old friends and familiar faces!  I sipped champagne, chatted, snacked on appetizers, and watched the bride play silly Bachelorette games.  Involving lingerie, of course.

Then we all took cabs to a blues club that I used to frequent.  It was packed, like always.  There was more drinking, talking loudly over the music, and dancing.  It was a blast!  The bride had a wonderful night.  Towards midnight, Jeanette and I took a cab back to her place, where her husband and some other friends were hanging out.  It was a fun blur, a much needed solo adventure.

Kingston Mines

The next day, I woke up at Jeanette's and got ready for work.  My intention was to go straight there and use the extra couple hours before class to grade papers without distraction.  As I got closer to home, though, the urge to see Bruce and Emmie overtook me.  Bruce had explained to Emmie that I wouldn't be home until much later, so when I walked in the door, it was a surprise.

Emmie was still sniffly, but in good spirits.  We were all happy to see each other.  Taking one evening to myself was all the time I needed.

Success After Failure

It's past midnight.  I'm still up because I've been working on my online class, the one that I thought I wouldn't get any work done for in time.  Well, I just sent off an email with multiple attachments full of lesson materials.  Not everything, but hopefully enough to take some of the pressure off.

After writing my last post, all seemed pretty dismal.  I was stressed out about work.  I felt like a bad mom for not getting Emmie to the potty in time.  But then, guess what?  Emmie told me she needed to go again.  We raced upstairs, and this time, she did it!  For her, the situation was strange, but then she reacted to my overt elation.

"Emmie, you did it!" I cheered.  I think I even clapped.

"Yay!" She shouted, raising her arms in the air.  She was my champion.  We had both achieved success.

Toil and Toilets

 I'm writing this knowing full well that I have about a hundred other things to do.  For the past couple weeks, I have been under water with work.  Probably not the best time to start potty training Emmie, but hey - when it rains, it pours.

Emmie's "office"

Except when a certain toddler is sitting on the toilet.  Emmie did great on Saturday, the first day of training.  She tinkled, and it took her by surprise.  We praised her; she beamed.  Ever since, she tells me she has to go potty.  I take her to the bathroom upstairs, pull off her pants, sit her down... and then nothing.  She looks at books and kicks her feet.  We talk.  That's it.

If I could focus solely on potty training, this wouldn't be so frustrating to me.  But I'm totally overwhelmed lately.  I have a rotating stack of papers on my desk that need to be graded.  I have student recommendations I promised to write.  On top of that, I am working on a new online class for the spring.  The 3rd party company my school contracts to run the online program needs all my materials tomorrow.  In the past, I've posted the materials to my courses myself as the weeks went by.  This time, they are being more adamant about doing it for me - way in advance.  I resent the lack of autonomy.

Creating all these documents up front is an incredible amount of work.  Just imagine - anything that I might say to students standing up in front of the classroom, I have to find a way to present to them in a different form.  Mostly it's a lot of writing.  Instead of being able to talk and gesture freely, correcting myself or clarifying when necessary, I need to write out everything.  The writing needs to be precise.  That takes a lot of thought and time.

My "office" in the basement

I could do PowerPoints, but those take even longer to create because you have to think about graphics, transitions, etc.  I could do video presentations, but from where would I record them? My basement?

On top of that, I have been advised to compose objectives (at least 5), have a self-scoring assessment (of at least 10 questions), and post additional suggested materials to correspond to each weekly lesson.  This goes above and beyond what a face-to-face class requires.  What really bothers me is that I don't get paid any extra to do all of this.  I won't get paid until January, when the class starts and I am immersed with grading and providing feedback for all the discussion forum posts and writing assignments.  I will spend six months on this course and get paid for 8 weeks.

All this preparation comes with the job, I know that.  I signed up to teach this course; I accept the responsibility for the work.  I just feel stretched so thin.  Last week, I freaked out to Bruce, and he gently suggested that I get out of the house more to work uninterrupted.  I should.  It's just hard.  I teach one day on the weekend, and two week nights.  He works full time during the weekdays and goes to school one week night.  That leaves us with one weekend day, and two week nights to be together as a family.  The last thing I want to do is leave when Bruce is home.

Bruce arranged for his dad to come over and watch Emmie yesterday afternoon so I could get work done before class.  I went to Starbucks and got a coffee.  I unpacked my laptop, pen, and papers and worked for 2 & 1/2 hours nonstop.  It was amazing.  It solidified for me that I am going to have to embrace new routines.

Working from home just isn't working for me.  The parenting-a-toddler life isn't gelling with the adjunct instructor life.  Even now, as I type this, Emmie's battling for my attention.  I try to work before she wakes up or during her naps, but I barely get emails answered before she's calling for me from her crib again.

All of this makes me want to stress eat, but I don't, because to add to my overly full plate - I'm trying to get fit.  Bruce has been counting his calories for a while and walking on his breaks, and he's lost 20 lbs!  (Damn those men, they just think about losing weight and the pounds fall off).  A few weekends ago we spent time with friends, a married couple who have a six month-old baby.  She's trying to lose the baby weight, and he is focused on health, after a young coworker of his had a heart attack and died suddenly.  They count calories and work out regularly now.  I've been talking about losing the 'baby weight' for two years.  After all this, I decided that there's no time like the present.

So Bruce and I got MyFitnessPal apps on our phones.  We log all our calories and exercises.  That part isn't too hard.  Eating healthier gets easier every day.  We put a battery in our old scale, and I've literally watched my weight go down since.  It's encouraging, but it's work, too.  Some days I feel like there is no aspect of my life that's uninhibited anymore.

I was going to end this post with something inspirational about success and hard work.  Maybe a famous quote.  I was searching for just the right one when Emmie told me she needed to potty.  I rushed her upstairs, but we were too late.

There's no way I'm going to get all my work for that online class done by tomorrow.  I feel pretty dejected right now.  There's a lot of quotes out there about how success is the product of determination in the face of failure.  That's totally true.  But in the moments of failure, personal or professional, success sure seems a long way off.

Is it lunchtime yet?

A Room with a View

The colors of the leaves have been spectacular this season. I just had to share the dramatic sight we have out our bedroom window right now.

Happy Fall!