Nighttime Words Swilled with Wine

Hi. It's almost midnight on Thursday.  Let's pretend you are up and you are listening to me.  Would that be all right? Just for tonight.

I'm sitting at the kitchen table by myself.  Everyone else in the house is asleep.  I have a glass of wine and Ani DiFranco is singing "32 Flavors" on Pandora.  Tonight is my weekend.  I just got done teaching a Wednesday night class, then stayed up 'til 1 a.m. grading papers.  Grabbed a a few hours of sleep, then the alarm went off at 5:30 to get up, get ready, feed the baby and go to my morning class.  Teach, come home, take care of baby, then by 4:30 p.m. I was back in the car driving to the retail job.  Deal with customers, stock, clean, get out late.  Come home to a silent, still, lonely house.

The song just ended and "Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star is on.  My gears shift and I am miles back in thought, yearning.

Like usual, my feet are pulsating, swollen, hot in my socks.  My eyelids feel heavy, not helped by the wine, but I'm not ready for bed.  I'm really glad that Bruce's dad is asleep; normally he's the family night owl, perched in his usual spot on the couch.  If he were up, I wouldn't be down here typing and playing music.  Pondering.  Brooding. 

It is going to get better, right?  When I write I try to be positive, but let's face it.  I've been here for a while.  I'm forgetting what it's like to have my own life.  It's getting harder and harder to remember when Bruce and I were happy, when I'd plant a kiss on him as soon as he came home from work.  We're so stressed all the time.  In the past weeks we've seen each other rarely - it can take hours to feel like ourselves when we are together.  I fret; will it upset Emmie not to have her grandparents around when we finally move out?  What will it do to them when their house is empty again?  I sleep better here - it's the comfort of safety in numbers.  Will I lie awake worried in my new house someday?  When is someday?

This Pandora station is like a good friend giving me a hug.  The Indigo Girls are soothing me now with their gritty alto vocals and twangy guitars: "Love Will Come to You."  When I was in my early 20's, I would drive around and blast this song with the windows rolled down, praying with my whole heart.  Now I have that great love, but it's still nice to have the reassurance.

It is going to get better.  One day we will tell the kids how hard we worked to get where we are.  Tonight's just one sad night.  And it's really not that bad.  I've got wine and music and words.

And you - if you read this all the way through.  Thank you for listening.  Cheers.