Duh - Everything Says Money Is the #1 Cause of Marital Stress

Ugh.  Bruce and I are awkward right now, and I'm not even sure why.  Maybe he had a couple beers and I had too many glasses of wine, and his mom went to bed, and we started talking frankly with one another.  About goals.  And money.  And what else...?

It started because we got a refund from a utility that we had initially put down a deposit for at the old house.  I was expecting a much larger amount than what they gave us.  I got upset.  Bruce told me basically not to ever expect... What?  Something like, don't ever get your hopes up when it comes to money.  And I refused to hear it.

Later Bruce said something about how we'll probably always be poor.  That isn't the first time he's said something like that.  It drives me crazy when he talks like that.  Because I'm a dreamer - I won't deny it.  I truly believe that someday we won't have to worry about money.  That we'll have a dream house and live lives that we are proud of, whatever shape that ends up taking. 

I've always imagined a life where the possibilities are endless.  That makes me sound Susie Sunshine, but it's not like that.  I look at gorgeous properties with tall shady trees and maybe a small stream running though them, and I think, 'I could live somewhere like that someday."  I watch House Hunters International and I think, 'Maybe I'll have a villa near the coast of that exotic locale someday, too."  I imagine that someday I'll be moderately successful in my career.  Doesn't everybody?

We weren't always poor.  Or maybe we were, and I live in a perpetual state of denial.  The other day I put together a spreadsheet of our debt and the progress we've made over the past 2+ years.  During our discussion, Bruce said, "We were never progressing."  But that's not true.  From 2010 to 2011, we actually paid off 10% of our debt.  From 2011 to 2012, however, we've been at a standstill.

A lot of factors contributed to this.  A while back Bruce lost a good job he had in the banking industry.  That was out of our control.  I used to have a well-paying job in the hospitality industry.  But I wasn't really happy in it, so we decided to take the pay cut in order for me to go back to teaching, so I could do what I love.  I've already recalled our fancy wedding and the toll it took on our credit cards.  Plus so many, many other reasons.

There is one obvious reason that is hard to admit.  It's only hard to admit because it seems like a negative, though of course it is actually the most positive moment of our lives.  Naturally I don't want to equate it with hardship in any way, truth or no truth.  In 2011, I got pregnant. 

Now everyone always said to me, "You make it work when you have a baby."  And that's true!  But you also can't deny that children are costly.  We wanted to have a baby; we knew what effect having one would have; we knew we would have to make serious choices in order to start a family.

So as I sit here, typing this at my in-laws' house, in my husband's childhood bedroom, I am faced with the choice we have made.  To make a fresh start.  To reshape the path our lives have wandered down.  To quote the old TV show Quantum Leap: "To make right what once went wrong."

I'm not doing this so that we can end up in a situation where we're just getting by again.  I'm doing this because I believe Life is a chalkboard and you can correct your mistakes.  You can erase your errors, even if a smear of the past is still visible.  Maybe, just maybe, if you're lucky and you do something right, you'll even end up with your name on there and a big star next to it.

Bruce went to bed as I was writing this.  He said, "What are you doing?  Blogging?"  And I nodded, because I wasn't exactly speaking to him.  So he gave me a kiss, told me he loved me, and said goodnight.  Whenever we are in an uncomfortable place he is always the one to smooth the rough edges.  He's always the one to make the best of things on an instance-to-instance basis.

I can call myself the dreamer in our relationship, but my husband is the one who makes sure we both get a good night's sleep.