This is the fourth weekend in a row that I've had plans with Bruce's family in some capacity. Some of it has been awesome - like celebrating his sister's birthday in Milwaukee last Saturday by going on a riverboat brewery cruise. Before we lived here, we used to joke that we were "best friends" with Bruce's parents because we enjoyed hanging out with them. But now - it's a lot.
It is a lot to live here, with no car to go anywhere (I borrow Bruce's dad's car to go to my day class on Tuesdays and Thursdays), with Bruce's dad retired and always home, too. It's a lot to spend all week with your husband's parents and then spend the weekend with his family, too. Today we are celebrating his mother and sister's birthday here with aunt and uncles.
This is the thing. We've always spent a lot of time with Bruce's family - birthdays, holidays, there is always something going on for which we need to be present. But now we live here and I am really hitting my limit. I know it's not fair to do this, but I can't stop playing the Comparison game.
The game goes like this: I think to myself, "Here I am doing something for Bruce's family again. We never do anything like this for MY family." That is a very dangerous game to play. Nobody comes out a winner in this game. But, like the gambling addicts in the casino, I find myself pulling the lever to spin the wheel again. And again.
We don't make a big deal about birthdays or holidays in my family. We simply put aside a day and a time, get together and have a meal. If it's a birthday, we have a cake (always a yellow/chocolate cake with fresh strawberry filling and buttercream frosting) and sing. That's it! Maybe a small gift, maybe just a few on Christmas. Some years my mother doesn't even put up a tree.
Bruce's family, on the other hand, will have birthday festivities for several weeks. The actual birthday, the day we get together, the day they have a party. They also LOVE presents - giving them and getting them. They will spend hundreds of dollars on presents. When I first starting dating Bruce, I was blown away by their generosity. His sister and his mom have turned gift giving into a true art form - they are incredibly thoughtful, and will buy anything they see if they think it would make a good gift for someone. Opening presents is a lengthy process around here.
While I appreciate everything they've ever given me over the years (most of my accessories & beauty products were gifts from them), in the reverse this is a ginormous amount of pressure to live up to. I'm always worried that I should have given more or better presents.
Plus, it is so damn expensive. Bruce's mother and sister have birthdays that are only about a week apart. Add up the expenses of dinners, cruises, gas that it took to get to Milwaukee twice, plus cakes and presents and cards, and we are left with basically nothing. This past month we had to go without necessities because we just didn't have the money.
When I look at my bank account that has less in it than my change jar - I start playing the Comparison game. Left unchecked, the Comparison game mutates out of control. I start to get resentful. Then I am ashamed of myself. I love these people and they are good to me. But I haven't seen my own family in weeks, and they live across town.
I told Bruce that we need to make a conscious effort to make plans with my family and our friends for the next several weekends. So we did. When those days come around, I'm sure my attitude will be refreshed. I sure hope so.
Tell me - do you ever play the Comparison game? Any advice on how to avoid it?
UPDATE: The party turned out to be really nice. Emmie got to see her great aunts and great uncle who haven't seen her in a while. They fawned over her and she cooed and giggled. Then yesterday we went to a baseball game with our friend Denny and his daughter. It was fantastic to get out and I felt normal again. Today we are seeing my folks.
So I guess the lesson here is that when your patience is getting thin, do your best to endure it a little longer. Everything will work out in the end!
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